I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
