somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS