Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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