i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My penis needs a shock collar
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!