Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do