It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
