I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
