Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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