Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
