im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
