I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
