Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
