My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
