I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
