i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
