words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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