Princesses don't give blow jobs
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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