what if every blade of grass was a penis?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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