remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize