P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
