I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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