I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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