I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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