The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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