I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize