I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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