1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
