So drunk its hurt
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
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Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
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So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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