If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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