I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
