If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
