my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
