They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
