I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Randomize
