I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
