Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
