My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
