the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
