I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
