He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
