please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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