If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
