The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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