I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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