He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
