dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
