every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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