I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
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he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
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I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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