If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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