So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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