i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
