friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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