Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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