I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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