my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Randomize
