if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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